Well, for starters… I am getting a divorce. It was probably over before it started. You know how you just have all this chemistry with the wrong person? Yeah, that’s been my life. And you just can’t make someone be who they’re not even if you wish really hard on a shooting star. I’m not lying. It didn’t work. Praying didn’t work either. Life goes on, although for a few seconds I wasn’t sure if that was an option.

So, I decided to go back to school and finish my nursing degree. You’re probably wondering who would let me be a nurse. Well, you had better be nice to me because one day I might be your nurse and I may come armed with sharp, pointy objects. Yes, I am referring to needles.

I’m not sure if I will be posting less or more once I start school. My hiatus has been due to all the family issues going on. However, I am sure I will need to bitch to someone about my days and you’re the lucky sons of bitches who get to hear about what happens to me when I get puked or pooped on by complete strangers.

Merry Fucking Christmas, everybody!

I had this baby in the house, she was whoa!
Had the house stinkin’ up, I mean whoa!
Bought her diapers and wipes, I mean whoa!
Should’ve seen them sittin’ on her butt like whoa!
Now diapers ain’t a problem, see my Huggies like whoa!
Pulled out my wipe box on y’all babies like whoa!
Floss da booty with Aloe & E like whoa!
Mama want my hypoallergenic, I’m like whoa!
Had to hit the brakes on ya mamas like whoa!
Gotta get Huggies points for baby like whoa!
Runnin’ to get a new change of clothes like whoa!
So that my baby smells fresh and clean like whoa!
More or less, more or so

Onesie for the torso
I live the fast life, come through slow-flow like whoa!
My baby likes to go, like her bro
Little toes, Evenflos, nice clothes like whoa!

To appreciate this song, you may want to listen to the much more vulgar, non PC song, Whoa by Black Rob right here.

I am so thankful I am not a teenager in today’s world. With the internet, social networking and picture messaging on our phones, it’s a recipe for a social disaster. I hate to say it, but it doesn’t surprise me that more and more teens these days are on antidepressants, cut themselves, and attempt suicide. Being a teenager was traumatic enough for me as it was.

I’ve been picked on ever since about 5th grade. I developed early so I was teased that I was stuffing my bra. In middle school, it just got worse. I was shy. I didn’t date like some of the more popular girls. By 7th grade I was more developed than many women are as adults. Suddenly, I became “the slut.” Never mind that I had never kissed a boy. In 8th grade, I got jumped. Luckily, I was able to defend myself. Most kids that are picked on aren’t able to. But, I did send one running and beat the other’s ass.

That was a total turning point for me. I felt empowered. Had I not gotten into those physical altercations, I probably wouldn’t be as feisty as I am. Which, is pretty feisty. You should have seen me when I was pregnant. I was ready to fight everybody, despite my condition. After high school, the slut name carried on. It’s funny, though. I was in love with the same guy throughout my entire high school career, and I wouldn’t even put out for him. There were a few girls who would tease me incessantly. I think I’ve seen their names in the paper. Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

I feel so sorry for the kids of today. It’s so easy to sit behind a monitor and say things about someone you would never say to their face. Sadly, adults do it too. It doesn’t go away. There’s no age limit for a keyboard warrior.

If you are a mean girl (or boy), think about the harm you’re causing others. While you’re at it, why don’t you go fuck yourself?

I bought a nasal aspirator bulb from the grocery store at some point after my daughter was born. It was hard and it had ridges and it actually hurt my fingers to use. I would end up wrapping it with a receiving blanket just to use it. It got pretty much nothing out. Then in February I had to take my daughter to the emergency room and they let me keep this big blue bulb to use. It was much softer and worked great for the most part but it would often collapse and not return to it’s bulbous state without a some help from me. All the meanwhile, my daughter is screaming and jerking around in an effort to remove this contraption from her nose. In comparison to the last one, it was amazing despite its downfalls. Unfortunately, about a week ago, the seam in the bulb split. I tried to salvage it with some super glue in a last ditch effort to save my beloved bulb, but alas, it was its time to go. I went online and looked for a replacement, hoping to find one similar to the standard hospital nasal aspirator that had departed just in my time of need. What I found shocked and amazed me.

Nosefrida: The Snot Sucker

This awesome snotsucker is powered by YOUR suck. Not some stupid motor, and not a brief suck from a bulb, but a suck that YOU have control over. There won’t be any breaks between sucking unless YOU decide. Now, my daughter doesn’t love this thing any more but it works. I was so fascinated by it that I pull it out to show people. You suck from your end and the snot comes right out and is dispensed into a holding tube. No need to worry about getting any snot sucked up because it has a snot blocker – a filter that does its job. I did manage to drop this thing once, though. It could have ended very badly for me if I hadn’t noticed it. You can buy replacements too. It cleans out easily. My only gripe is that there’s nothing to carry it around in. I decided to get a large sandwich bag and use that but it would be nice to have a little carrying case with it. It’s advertised for $15 but I found it online for $13 something. Best $13 something I’ve ever spent. It gets the job done quickly and I don’t have to empty it before I go back for more. I’m able to do all of this without having to stick something up my daughter’s nose because for the most part. It sits right on the edge of the nostrils, unless of course you have a child with monster nostrils. I’ve seen people like that but I try not to judge.

OMG… I just got a flash back to sticking highlighters up my nose in high school to make my friends laugh… or feel sorry for me, I’m not sure which. At any rate, this thing is awesome and I think everyone should buy one. If you work for NoseFrida, my daughter is an especially adorable spokesmodel, FYI.

Since I’m lazy and there’s already a how-to video out on youtube, here it is:

My daughter, Elianah was born 6 weeks early thanks to preeclampsia that had me bedridden for over a month prior to her birth and a blood pressure of 192/135 on August 19th, 2010. She was born at 10pm on the dot and weighted 5 lbs 5oz. She went down to 4 1/2 lbs the next day. She was in the NICU for 11 days. From the moment I brought her home, she was barely out of my arms. I breastfed her from the get-go but she had a pretty poor latch and some of the NICU nurses had issues with me breastfeeding her due to her low birth weight. My in home nurse was the mother of twin preemies and told me that she breastfed her babies as soon as she got home from the hospital and didn’t worry about measuring anything. If they wet their diapers and gained weight, they were fine. From then on, I decided against using the formula and pumping so much. The first couple of weeks were hard. I woke up every 3 hours but she nursed for 2 hours at a time. I never slept. It wasn’t until I pulled her out of the co-sleeper bassinet and put her in bed with me that things settled into place. I did my research, and decided co-sleeping was safe for us. After all, women had been co-sleeping for thousands of years until recently. She doesn’t even cry in the night. I feel her moving around and I just throw her a boob and we both drift off to sleep. People brag that their babies are sleeping through the night. I guess I just don’t get it. Feeding her in the night keeps my supply up. It’s good for both of us. She eats on her own schedule. I don’t ever check the clock. Baby wants booby, baby gets booby.

Elianah hardly ever cries. When she’s teething, or super hungry, she might cry, but I can fix the hunger soon enough. In fact, I kind of panic when she does cry. I want to console her and if I can’t do it stat, I feel horrible!! I doubt she’ll ever learn to crawl. She’s never on the floor. She stands up a lot with help, but she’s still quite wobbly at 8 months old. She stands up about as good as an intoxicated meatball. If she starts to fuss, I pick her right up. She gets about a million kisses a day, and I have to force myself to put her in her exersaucer but only when I have to pee, cook, or do something equally important. I bought her her own baby laptop the other day because she likes mine so much… What baby wants, baby gets!! So, I’m creating a spoiled rotten baby… Sue me. I only have one daughter to spoil and I’m gonna do it right.

Becoming a stay at home mom is really what I always wanted to be.  So why did I shed a single tear when I found out I was part of a company-wide layoff?  I guess I was afraid.  I had gotten so used to being the one whose money went to paying the bills while my husband’s money went to whatever else.  Now, his money will be used to pay the bills, mostly, but I will be getting unemployment as well.  All of the sudden, I realized that it was very possible to be a stay at home mom.

I’ve always been a jack of all trades.  I’ve always had a plethora of career dreams, or hobbies I could turn into a career, but most of all I wanted to be a mom.  My little bundle of joy was a complete surprise to us and I was scared to death when I found out I was pregnant with my first biological child, but she has made everyone so happy in so many ways.  She’s the reason my mother and I get along so much better now and she brings so much love into our lives that it’s unimaginable.  When I would drop her off at daycare, I hated it.  I hated saying goodbye to that precious face wondering if she’d say her first word or take her fist step there instead of with me.

I just honestly believe that a woman’s place is home, taking care of her children.  It’s a shame that women’s lib and equal rights have backstabbed us and forced women to work just to make ends meet.  With the second income came inflation.  Property values skyrocketed.  Crime increased.  There were suddenly twice as many people needing jobs.  During war, women would take over men’s jobs but when they returned they would go back to taking care of the home.  I honestly believe women, looking for equality, basically screwed our country’s deficit.  Where we once were able to sit around the table and eat meals as families, children are grabbing junk food as they wait for their parents to come home from work.  Who is teaching your children morals and values?

Who is raising your kids?  Family?  Daycare?  Babysitters?  A nanny???  I have some great nanny friends but I abhor the idea of having a nanny.  It makes me sick to see these people on Real Housewives or Basketball Wives that do not work and still have a nanny!  Even with taking my daughter to daycare, I still have this fear that my daughter will love the daycare provider more than she loves me.  I know that’s not remotely possible since I have the boobies, but it still runs through my mind.  I’ve been quite jealous of my daycare provider ever since I first dropped Elianah off the very first day, and she happens to be a friend of mine.

My stepson goes off to visit his maternal family members and almost always comes back with bad habits when he visits certain people.  He has told us that over there, he dips his french fries in butter!!  Hello, heart attack?!  Oh, and let’s not forget about the sugar in the orange juice.  He forgets to say please and he stops wiping his butt properly.  Why?  Because they do it for him.  Really?  He’s 5 years old.  He will, if everything goes right, be enrolling in school this fall.  These people are helping raise him whether we like it or not.  While I would love to deny them of his company, I cannot as they lost his biological mother and I guess that just wouldn’t be right… or I don’t have the say-so that I’d really like to have.  Maybe it’s a combination of the two, but I lean more towards the latter.

I can’t wait to be a stay at home mom so that I can do my part to right my family what society has taken away.  Do I blame you for having to work?  No, not at all.  Your children on the other hand, are suffering, whether you believe it or not.  I know it’s a hard reality and every day that I am working away from home, I feel that we are all missing out, but it must be done.  I have accepted that, and I feel that my being laid off is the best thing that’s happened since Elianah exited the womb.  They say that when one door closes, another opens.  It is so true.