Since I haven’t seen the zombie since the other day, I have come up with an artist’s depiction of what he looks like. Beware if you see anyone who looks like this:

Similarities to any rappers are purely a coincidence…

Are you prepared for a zombie apocalypse?  I sure as hell am not!!  If zombies attacked, I had better hope I have a strong man nearby because I’d be toast.  Seriously.  I will likely hide in the corner and scream like a little school girl.  I keep saying that once I buy my new house, I’m going to build a fall out shelter.  Well, not me… but whomever I can trick into doing it for me.  So far, all I have is a BB gun, and some kitchen knives.  I hope everyone likes ramen noodles and kidney beans.

I had a very real scare the other day as I was walking into my house.  Purse on the left shoulder, baby on the left hip, I start hearing what sounds like a rooster being violated by an elephant.  Assuming there are no elephants in my neighborhood, I look up to see where the noise is coming from.  It’s a man, or at least, what used to be a man across the train tracks, doing what appears to be yard work.  He continues screaming and making these god awful noises.  That is, until he saw me.  He then drops his rake, turns his body, arms to each side, and stares at me for what seemed like an eternity.  He was scoping out his prey.  He was looking at me like all he needed was a side of mashed potatoes and gravy.  He definitely wanted to eat my brains.  Realizing that my keys are in my purse in the most difficult spot to reach, I start to panic.  I swap hips and dig out my keys in a frenzy, all the while, he is still plotting his kill.  I find my keys and look up only to realize he’s gone.  HOLY FUCK.  I did not know zombies could move that quickly.  There’s only one thing going through my mind at this moment.  ”Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Open the motherfucking door!”  For sure he was on his way over to have some brain stew.  I get the door open, lock the vestibule, double deadbolt the door, and pray that this keeps the zombie out.  So far, so good.

The zombie was out there again today.  Steven said he was singing.  I asked him to go tell him he was writing an exposé on lawn care and ask him if he could take his picture, but he won’t.  What a Debbie Downer.  This entry would be so much better if y’all could actually see the zombie that is stalking me.  I told Steven that it was his fault I didn’t have the proper zoom lens on my camera and that he owes it to me, but still… no.  So, blame him for not being able to see the zombie.  I haven’t given up, though.

Meanwhile, I figure perhaps we need some supplies.  I found this really awesome bone-cutting carbon steel blade that is hand made in America (Montana to be specific) for all of you Occupy Wall Streeters.  It’s called The Hellion.

I could totally kick zombie ass with that, no?  Anyway, it’s on my wish list, along with the camera lens and maybe some assault rifles.  Here’s to hoping I get my attack coyote soon.

I was reading today that Korea has successfully cloned a coyote.  I need one.  Not quite as bad as I want a pair of micro piggies, a few hens and a couple of goats but pretty damn bad.  You see, I live in the city… Not like New York City, but as city as you can get for the eastern panhandle of West Virginia.  Despite state laws, they won’t let me shoot intruders in the city!!  I have a lot of shady people walking by my door.  Some I’m pretty sure are a bit schizo.  Not that I’m one to talk, since I’m a neurotic fucking moon bat.  So, since I can’t have attack micro pigs, I figure a clone coyote will do.  I’ve already contacted a man about it and he wants to chat.  I am looking forward to it.

In other news, I’ve renamed Stuart to Machiavelli.  He has eluded my humane peanut butter trap.  Maybe he’s allergic?  I haven’t seen him around and we’ve got a new family member.  My new black kitten, Tarot may have given Machiavelli a run for his money.

I’ve been having a cricket problem lately. I hate crickets. They look like jumping cockroaches to me. In fairness, I hate almost anything with more than 4 legs. I don’t mind some of the glorified bugs like butterflies and lightning bugs but absolutely hate flies and silverfish. Don’t even get me started on spiders. I will run to the opposite end of the house and cry my eyes out over a spider if he’s scary enough or startles me.

Other “pests” don’t bother me as much. I’ve become quite the bat wrangler the past two years. I’ve caught about 5 of them. They only freak me out when they make their chirpy noises. I spent half an hour trying to catch a bird a few months ago. The bats were so much easier. Down in Florida, I was showering when I had a little green frog flying at me. He was a slippery little mofo. I spent a good while stark naked and soaking wet chasing the little guy to get him back outside.

I have a love of animals. I want to kiss most of them. Some might try to bite my head off but I’ve definitely shared the love with dogs, cats, birds and even my hamster, Walnuts, may he rest in peace. I named him Walnuts because he had ginormous nuts. I’d really like to kiss a seal or walrus or something. I figure maybe they won’t press charges or bite me if I really find that special one.

I had an unexpected visitor in the house today. I named him Stuart. He walked out from behind the TV and startled me. I chased him around the room saying, “Come on out little guy! I’m not gonna hurt you!!” It’s probably something he’s heard before and surely sounds like something out of a horror film. I thought I caught him inside of my husband’s sweat pants but when I took him outside to release him, he was nowhere to be found. I hope my hubby doesn’t get a surprise later… So, I bought a humane mouse trap from Amazon for less than $6.00. Do mice even really like cheese? I’ve always seen mouse traps with dried up cheese. Peanut butter? Everyone likes peanut butter… Except for weirdos and allergy sufferers. Hope this sucker works before Phoebe cat decides to make friends with him. Fatty McFatterson is too busy sleeping the day away in my bed so I think he might have a chance.